foolishwren | IC CONTACT (Victory Road)

"I'd take good care of him... I promise."

However much she doesn't think it will be necessary unless Walter leaves this world entirely, she knows she can guarantee that much.

"Bonfire. What a lovely name. I would like to meet her sometime."

Warden does shoot a curious look over her shoulder at Walter.

His discomfort was certainly something she'd picked up on the first time they had secretly gone to visit him-- it was part of what made her keep her distance, never quite allowing him too close, even if he tried. That 'wrongness' animals can sense.

But it's less so now, than it was in the beginning.

And that too was reason for hope.

[The thing about working at a circus all day is that checking the network isn't really a thing that gets to happen until after the show's ended and everything's wound down for the night.]

[It's a good way to relax in that time between getting everything put away for the evening and actually getting up the energy to head out and home, and since they're all going to the same place? Envy usually seeks out Heather and/or Lust while he's doing that.]

[Well, tonight Lust is taking longer to get ready to go, so it's just Heather that Envy finds soon after he's just come across some actually unusual news.]

Hey, hey, did you get a chance to check the network yet?

_{[Heather generally has "getting ready to go" down to an art-- she's usually the first one to wrap up and wait around to hit the road.]

[Tonight, she's zonked out on a hay bale, laying on her back with an arm lazily thrown over her face-- which she lifts when Envy hails her.]}

Huh?

Oh... no, I didn't. Did something happen?

_{[She's already sitting up and grabbing her bag to get the 'Gear out, curiously.]}

[As soon as she's sitting up and there's room, Envy plops down right next to her on that bale.]

Yeah, something. Find the post from the really awkward scientist guy and the helmet dog.

It's something.

[GO WATCH IT, HE'LL WAIT.]

_{[Once he's seated, she flops back against him without a word or even a glance. He's a pillow now.]

[It doesn't take her long to find the video on her feed, and as it plays, her brows rise higher and higher.]}

... Well, that was one of the more awkward things I've ever seen.

What the hell?

_{[Someone teach that guy how to have a stage presence. :I]}

[BEING A GIRLFRIEND PILLOW IS A NICE JOB.]

[Envy snorts at her reaction.]

Right? He had no idea how to be on the camera.

But other than that, look at that Pokemon. I haven't seen anything like that since I was back in Amestris.

_{[He's not necessarily the softest pillow, but he is her favorite.]

[She sounds a little distracted as she replies, going back to the beginning of the video to let it play again.]}

Yeah, yeah, I'm looking... damn. I've never seen anything like that period.

_{[It's.... unsettling, but not unsettling in the way that, say, the monsters she'd faced in the Otherworld are.]}

... Am I hearing that right, they're just giving these things away for free?

Yeah, it looks like they've combined a couple of different things all into one...there were a few alchemists we worked with who were good at that.

[...although that's beside the point, and he trails off to go back through the announcement.]

It...looks like it? I mean, there's all these requirements, and they want reports. But nothing about a cost.

_{[She nods, distractedly, scooting the video backwards so that she can watch that intriguing footage of the big patchwork canine obsessively sucking on that labcoat sleeve.]}

.... I kind of want one.

...what, you do?

I mean, these guys seem...shady. I don't think that guy's ever even SEEN a live animal before, and all this made to order in a lab stuff...

[...]

Then again.

[He is now clearly ALSO thinking about it.]

Yeah, I mean... look at it.

It's kinda cute, in that... 'I was grown in a test tube and I'm experiencing the delights of sucking on cloth for the first time' kinda way.

_{[SHE WOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT THAT SEVEN YEARS AGO. But now? Maybe she's grown as a person or something.]}

[ The feed opens on a Walter, sitting on his sofa. He's breathing heavily and doesn't...look good. His hands are very tight on his knees. It's late and by his side is Eileen and a new Pokemon; a Floette. They both look concerned and are holding his hands, as if to keep him steady. ]

You lied to me.

You said, that we were brought here to...to experience this world and it's creatures. To give us what we need. But that's not true. Otherwise, he wouldn't have gone.

I know he didn't want to go. Asriel wanted to stay. He'd...he was like me... He told me, he'd hurt people before. He didn't want to be what he had been, but he would turn back when he went back to his world and he couldn't stop that. But here he wanted to be better. He was better. He never wanted to hurt anyone, and he was...he was good. And kind. And he wanted to see everything but to 'make it last'. He hasn't seen everything, I know he hasn't, so he shouldn't-

[ The Floette floated closer to his face, making a soothing sound and touching his cheek. Walter bit his lip hard, hands trembling before he stood up abruptly. Eileen immediately jumped to her feet watched him as he grabbed at his arms, dragging his nails over his sleeves. ]

He was good and. H-he thought...I could be good too. But he's gone. Why? WHY? He needed- he needed more time! [ His normally soft voice rose as he clearly struggled with his feelings. He paced, unable to find a target for his anger and hurt. ] Why is he gone? It isn't- why would he be sent back? It's not-!

[ One of his hands lifted to his neck, scratching over his jugular so hard his fingers were digging into his skin. Eileen rushed forward, grabbing his clothing and pulling on him to try and make him stop. The Floette gave a cry of shock, rushing forward and grabbing his hand, pulling it away from his neck. Assumption, who had been behind the camera, gave a ghostly cry and joined the others in making him stop. Walter let them pull him down, onto his knees and then sat on the floor. He hung his head, hands curled into fists and digging his nails into his palms. He breathed heavily. Then began to slowly cry, curling up against the wall. He wanted to lash out but with the Pokemon here...they wouldn't let him hurt himself. One hand pulled at his hair. Eileen gently lifted an arm so she could press in to hold him. Assumption copied her on his other side. The Floette was small enough to float into his curled up position, making very soft, soothing sounds. ]

H-he's gone...and I d-don't...

_{[Oh god. What's happening now?]

[Heather's first, instinctive reaction is to feel defensive-- but it quickly dissipates as Walter goes on and it becomes clear just what happened.]

[It was only a matter of time.]

[But that doesn't make it any easier.]

[She takes a deep breath before responding, and keeps her voice low and calm.]}

I didn't lie to you, Walter.

People are brought here because we need it.

But sometimes people leave.

I don't know why, and I don't like it.

But it happens, just like it happens back in our world.

... I'm sorry.

[ He'd half forgotten the camera was on. But he was used to talking to his Pokemon now, so extending that to Heather over the phone was easy. ]

No. In...in his world, he didn't get to leave. He said he had to stay and be left to...to look after the flowers. [ He trailed off, tightening up again. ]

Others had left. But they weren't like him. He wasn't meant to go! [ The Floette floated up, forcing him to sit back. He held a hand under her, as if to support her. Looking at her..he bit his lip, taking in a shaky breath. When he spoke, it was very soft and quiet. ]

He...he thought. I could be better. That I could not hurt people... But I will. When someone threatened to take my Pokemon, I said I would kill him. And I would.

[ Assumption squeezed Walter, holding him tightly. Walter wanted to be the person Asriel thought he could be. But he couldn't. He just, couldn't. ]

_{[She honestly can't make heads nor tails of what Walter is saying-- she'd only spoken to Asriel once or twice, and never in any great detail.]

[So all she can do is sort of... sit while he gets it all out.]}

... Hurting people is something that you can't always avoid.

Shouldn't always, even.

If someone threatens your safety or your Pokemons'... that's a valid reason to hurt somebody.

I'd hurt someone if they threatened me or mine-- even kill them, if I had to.

You know that better than anybody-- I made it clear what I'd do to you if you came after us. It was like the first thing I said to you.

_{[Once she knew who he was, anyway-- and anyhow, it hadn't wound up being necessary. But the point still stood.]}

If I hurt someone...it'll start again. I won't. I won't be able to stop. He'll come back. Valtiel will be there. And it'll start again. [ Walter held his head. If he hurt someone, or killed them...it'd bring back Valtiel wouldn't it? It'd start the 21 Sacraments, and he would have ten days to collect ten hearts, then have to separate from his flesh and give himself over to Valtiel again.

He didn't want that. Johto was good. Johto wasn't hopeless. And...he had thought before, that children were free of sin. But Valtiel had disagreed. Would...what would happen to his Pokemon. He thought of the animals in the pet shop, hands tightening on his skull.

His Pokemon couldn't trace his thoughts, but they could tell he was sinking. Eileen pulled on her ear, listening to his heartbeat. The poor Floette hadn't seen this kind of behaviour with Asriel, but she was determined to make him stop. She bapped his hands with her flower, making him stop as he slowly looked up at her. Fresh tears stung his eyes. ]

I don't want it to happen again. Not here. But I know, it's...it's all I'm worth. It's m-my...it's all I ever was. It's all I ever was and...and oh God, I just- [ He didn't know what to pray for anymore. Forgiveness? Release? ]

_{[The words, as heart-wrenching as they are, do make Heather tense.]

[He's probably just panicking, probably just spiraling... but well. Shit. He is a serial killer. What if he's right? Not about Valtiel, but about his own compulsions?]

[She supposes it's good that he's considering the ramifications of a backslide into murdering, but watching him wracked with it....]}

Walter... breathe, okay?

Can you do that?

Just take really, really deep breaths.

And focus on that.

[ Eileen nodded, squeezing his arm. She made Walter look at her and breathed, showing him what to do. He copied her, breathing deeply. It helped him calm down a little. At the very least, he wasn't sinking deeper. Assumption made a soft, slightly distressed noise, hoping him tightly. His shoulders sagged and he seemed to loosen slightly. ]

I'm so tired. I'm so...tired. [ He couldn't find a better word. He was hurt, and drained, and so, so tired of being himself. ]

Back where we came from. I was waiting for Henry. It was meant to end. But it hasn't.

And I'm here. [ he's still breathing deeply, following Gracie and Eileen's examples and instructions. Assumption gave another soft cry, moving to sit in Walter's lap and press against his front, looking up at him. Walter lowered his eyes to the Marowak and exhaled, curling up around him and hugging his starter close to his chest. ]

I'm here...and Asriel isn't. None of this is right.

It's not about right or wrong.

_{[She feels like she's said that to him before... and it's truer now than ever. The way people came and went here was meaningless and unfair. It wasn't a blessing or a curse, a reward or a punishment. No matter how often it seemed like the latter.]}

This place is good. Great, even. It helps so many people.

But it isn't Paradise.

And sometimes people leave.

They might come back, or they might not.

But just because they go away doesn't mean that them being here wasn't important.

[ The problem is, the Order doesn't teach greys; they teach nihilism and absolutes. Things are right or wrong. Divine or corrupt. Suffering or...more suffering. And despite having been in Johto for so long, he still struggled with the concept that it was okay to not be firmly one way. He just didn't know what to make of it. ]

That's not...I know, it's not Paradise. Assumption suffered. Pokemon suffer. People are still what they are.

...I didn't think he would go. I didn't get to repay him. For the kindness he showed me. [ He couldn't repay Asriel's kindness and friendship. He hadn't known how to, and now...just as he hadn't been able to repay Rhys before he vanished as well. Gracie touched his cheek, to try and calm him. He had been Asriel's friend. He didn't need to repay anything. ]

_{[Oh, don't worry. Heather knows this very well.]

[But she's not giving up on him one day understanding. Not yet, dammit.]}

Then the best thing you can do for him is take his kindness to heart and pay it forward to others.

... I've lost people here, too. A lot of people.

People who were family, people I'd do... anything for.

People who I loved.

Even now, I still don't know how to stop feeling like I wasted the time we got together, or like I just didn't do enough.

But I try to do what they'd have wanted me to do. ... Even if I felt like maybe the me they saw was better than the me that actually was.

Actually, especially if that's what they saw.

It's hard.

But it's better than falling apart.

_{[Which she's done, too... on several occasions. She's not exactly proud of it... but she won't lie about it, either.]}

[ 'Try to do what they wanted me to. Even...if they saw me better than what I am'. He lifted his head slightly to look at the Floette. ]

...Is that why he sent you to me? To...remind me, of what he thought I could be? [ Gracie didn't answer yes or no. She just patted his cheek again. He lifted a hand under her to support her floating, still clearly upset but now...thoughtful. While his mind struggled, he managed to at least appear calmer after his outburst. ]

This isn't Heaven, or Hell, or the End. I still don't understand this...place, at all. [ He turned back to Heather again. She seemed to know this place much better than him, but he couldn't absorb everything she told him about it either. ]

I'm sorry. For...what you saw of me, just now.

_{[She's not smiling, but she's not frowning either.]}

I've seen worse.

_{[And she has no doubt that he could SHOW her worse.]

[She'll take this over the Walter that tortured Henry and other innocent people any fucking day. Grief is normal and expected-- all stages of it.]}

... Are you gonna be okay?

[ He thought honestly on her question. Would he be okay? Not just after losing Asriel but with...everything here? ]
...I don't know. Before, I knew what was coming. Everything had been laid out. Now it's...unknown. It's not...good, to not know. It's frightening. But it means, I don't know for certain that things will be bad. And they aren't always.

[ He murmured, speaking slowly as he thought over his words. Knowing that everything would be terrible and having his life laid out before him...he had known what would happen to him, even when it was nothing but hurt. Not knowing what could happen was scary - he didn't know where sudden pains could come from, like losing people like this. But he had been surprised by good things too. He had never expected to meet someone like Asriel in the first place.

Assumption made a soft sound, snuggling up to Walters side. Eileen seemed to sigh in relief. ]

It was always unknown.

We just trick ourselves into thinking we know how everything's gonna turn out.

But the truth is that we just don't.

_{[Even the ones who could literally see the future.]}

And yeah, that's scary.

But we keep going anyway.

For exactly the reason you just said.

IC CONTACT (Victory Road)

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[Action | May 16th]

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