foolishwren | 97. [Action for Goldenrod/Private Text]

97. [Action for Goldenrod/Private Text]

[Locked to Ironhide, Minnie Mouse, Otacon, and Dale Cooper]

I don't know if it'll fix anything at this point, because I said some pretty horrendous things to all of you, but for what it's worth, I'm sorry.

I'll understand if you're still mad. None of you need to reply to this.

[Action for Goldenrod]

_{[It's probably not surprising that there's been radio silence from Heather on the 'Gear for awhile, considering... well, everything. Even if she hadn't had her 'Gear confiscated as part of the 'grounding', she hadn't exactly been in a chatty mood.]

[But even if she's bound to the city, she's not bound to the hotel room, and considering that she's sort of in the doghouse at the moment, she's not too interested in staying cooped up with the people who are rightfully upset with her.]

[So she can be found wandering the streets of Goldenrod City with Cujo padding along at her side, window-shopping or occasionally lounging on a bench-- minus the firepowers that blew the metaphorical Diglett-hole into a volcanic mountain a few weeks ago, but unfortunately still with the unattractive aftereffects of the whole ordeal: smoky black hair, patches of scorched-looking skin, and a permanent burnt-toast smell following her around.]}

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

_{[At his command, the volume dropped at least, but breathe she did not. There was a dull thunk, as though she'd let her head rest roughly against the wall.]}

I know, I know, I know I know I know I just--!

I know it wasn't my fault.

I know.

There was no way I could have done anything. I know that. I don't BLAME myself, I just...

_{[There's a pause as she sucks in a ragged breath and an unmistakable pop of knuckles as she clenches a fist.]}

... Years later, when I thought-- I thought I'd made a clean getaway, this... this person who I used to care about shows up, and-- and takes away the only reason I was even ALIVE-- _{[That she had CHOSEN to live...]} And all because of HER, the bitch who hurt me-- the bitch who hurt us BOTH because we were so fucking small we couldn't STOP her-- didn't know to stop her.

That's what I meant when I said you couldn't understand, Ironhide.

You don't-- you can't know what it's like, to be so tiny that someone can do whatever they want to you and you can't do a thing. Because you're seven years old and three and a half feet tall and you don't know anything else so you just LET it happen, you LET them do things to you because you're so scared and so powerless and so SMALL and they're bigger and smarter and you're at their absolute MERCY and all you WANT is to make them HAPPY so that they'll stop--!

[And, once more, he doesn't know what to say about that.]

Kid, I...

[He just stops. Just stops. Is there anything you can say when someone unloads all this on you?]

[He's used to the atrocities of war. The atrocities of domesticity, of civilians... those have him at a loss.]

Sorry.

Don't.

You don't... you don't have anything to apologize for.

_{[She had paused to take in a deep, shuddering breath in some attempt to calm herself (like he'd told her to like three minutes ago) and it worked... somewhat. When she speaks again it's in that dull, monotonous tone from before. A mask for the upset rather than a sign that she's totally calm again, but it's better than all the shouting she was doing before.]}

... I just...

... The fact that even... after I'd gotten away and grown up, even after she'd been dead for years, she still found a way to reach out and hurt me.

Hurt me worse than she ever did back when I was just a scared little kid.

... Like it never stops.

_{[Another pause for breath, along with the fleshy sound of hands being dragged down a face and an audible sniff.]}

... That's why I was so mad. And I didn't... I didn't think about what I was saying to everybody, and I didn't mean t'make you think I was... I dunno. Implying that you were stupid or didn't understand loss or ... or any of that.

I just...

... It can stop. You are not alone here, and no one is expecting you to deal with this on your own.

I doubt anyone wants you to.

We are here. We do not want to see this take you down...

[He pauses. Breathes.]</small. Not sure what else there is to offer you.

I know. It's just that-- ... this, this thing... it's so intensely personal, I don't want...

... It doesn't feel like something that ... that people on the outside can help with. ... Not me, or her.

_{[A sudden, explosive (but muffled) sigh. It seems her head's been in her hands more often than not during this conversation.]}

You don't need to offer me anything, Ironhide.

_{[A pause... and then, with the barest hint of a laugh--]}

... Except... maybe forgiveness, if you want...

[He's quiet again.]

[How does anyone even begin to try and deal with things like this? Is there a way? Is he supposed to try? All Spark.]

[Why isn't there a guidebook or something on this.]

Yeah.

Sure thing, kid.

_{[It's okay, Ironhide. Heather's pretty sure no one knows how to deal with things like this.]}

Thanks.

... I dunno if you know this, but you're scary as hell when you're mad.

_{[It's said shakily, but with good humor-- an attempt to lighten the mood, if it can be lightened at all after that dark stormcloud of a conversation topic.]}

[He'd like it better if he knew.]

... Yeah, heard that one before.

[He pauses -- hey, if they're sharing Big Important Things...]

From someone you remind me of.

That doesn't surprise me.

_{[But she's curious-- that's an oddly sentimental thing for Ironhide to say.]}

Who's that?

[This whole business has been oddly sentimental.]

[He huffs, though, grumbling to himself, before he actually says anything more.]

... My charge.

Foolish kid they handed to me. Said to make something of him. So I did.

... You never mentioned him before.

_{[It's not accusatory-- or even surprised. It's an unspoken prompt to continue more than anything else.]}

You ever know me to be the kind to discuss personal things, kid?

[... Which means she's going to have to ask, specifically, if she wants to know.]

_{[OKAY THEN SHE WILL.]}

I guess not.

... So who was he?

... Name is Sideswipe. If he were human... probably just be a little older than you.

Put into training fresh off the assembly line. Caused a lot of trouble, so ... they handed him off to me.

[A rustling sound. A shrug.]

Good kid... obnoxious. Stubborn. Proud. Determined to look after himself... and angry at the world.

_{[It's bizarre, hearing him describe another person. The closest he's ever come to that (outside of once-- once-- telling her about Optimus Prime) was describing his hated enemies.]

[And hearing THIS description... well, it definitely explains some things. Like why he'd become her friend in the first place.]}

... Got a soft spot for kids with chips on their shoulders, huh?

[He doesn't like doing it. It's too sentimental. Too personal. And... kind of reminds him too much of what he's missing.]

[He grunts.]

... If that kid had any chips on him, he would have lost his mind.

[A beat.]

But yeah. Looks that way.

_{[There's a brief silence.]}

... Think he and I would've gotten along?

[He barks out a laugh.]

Not at all. Would you really get along with a walking ego, kid?

_{[Laughter's contagious-- she starts to chuckle, too.]}

I guess not, huh.

Well, if he ever shows up here, I'll try to be nice.

Thought not.

[He snorts.]

If he ever shows up, I would smack him before he got on your case too bad.

[You know. After the inevitable awkward reunion business.]

Aw, come on. You think I can't fight my own fights?

Kid, you remember that time you tried to take me on?

Picture that. But about three tons lighter, and four times faster.

That answer your question?

Hey, now.

The only reason I didn't stand a chance against you is because you just stood there like a friggin' brick wall and didn't move.

If he's fast, that means he'll move. I'm good at fighting things that move.

_{[... You know, if the EGOS don't weigh them BOTH down...]}

... And if I trained him?

... Well, I guess it'd be an even match, then.

_{[There's a playful lilt to her voice that makes it clear she's joking-- does she actually think she could fight an alien robot warrior and win? Probably not.]}

[voice] sorry oh my god she is basically unloading completely

[voice] ... baby ;o; dfsdkj I'M SORRY THIS IS SHORT HE'S JUST. AWK.

[voice] IT'S OKAY HONESTLY I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL TO SAY TO HER EITHER

[voice] He's so out of his element /face in hands

[voice] IT'S OKAY IRONHIDE YOU'RE DOIN FINE

[voice] ;o; Okay

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