foolishwren | 97. [Action for Goldenrod/Private Text]

97. [Action for Goldenrod/Private Text]

[Locked to Ironhide, Minnie Mouse, Otacon, and Dale Cooper]

I don't know if it'll fix anything at this point, because I said some pretty horrendous things to all of you, but for what it's worth, I'm sorry.

I'll understand if you're still mad. None of you need to reply to this.

[Action for Goldenrod]

_{[It's probably not surprising that there's been radio silence from Heather on the 'Gear for awhile, considering... well, everything. Even if she hadn't had her 'Gear confiscated as part of the 'grounding', she hadn't exactly been in a chatty mood.]

[But even if she's bound to the city, she's not bound to the hotel room, and considering that she's sort of in the doghouse at the moment, she's not too interested in staying cooped up with the people who are rightfully upset with her.]

[So she can be found wandering the streets of Goldenrod City with Cujo padding along at her side, window-shopping or occasionally lounging on a bench-- minus the firepowers that blew the metaphorical Diglett-hole into a volcanic mountain a few weeks ago, but unfortunately still with the unattractive aftereffects of the whole ordeal: smoky black hair, patches of scorched-looking skin, and a permanent burnt-toast smell following her around.]}

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

_{[She spends a good fifteen minutes writing, then deleting, then writing again, then deleting again, before finally giving up and sending:]}

can we talk instead of type

All right.

Talking now.

_{[The sudden sound of his voice startles her slightly and it's a moment of staring down at the 'Gear in her palm before she gives in and just ... decides to jump right in. He asked her to explain, so she won't try and justify or prelude the whole thing with a bunch of useless lip-flapping.]}

... When I was little, my name wasn't Heather.

It was Alessa.

And I didn't live with Dad. _{[... Well, except that she HALF-had, but... no. She thinks she'll leave the part about splitting her soul and being reborn out. That's hard enough to explain to another person, much less an alien...]} I lived with-- ... with the person who gave birth to me. _{[Because like hell is she ever going to refer to Dahlia as 'mother' again. ... At least not right now. Not after... all this.]}

[He might actually have taken her literally there, which was a good call on her part.]

[He listens though, quietly. Waiting for a pause or something to tell him it's all right to speak.]

Your father changed your name?

_{[That's the intent, really... and she pauses to answer him, in a calm voice that hides the roiling sea of emotion that makes up her feelings whenever she broaches this subject at all.]}

Yeah.

To protect me.

_{[She doesn't elaborate further than that-- doesn't want to get ahead of herself. But all the same, there's the unspoken reassurance that he's free to ask questions if he likes. She doesn't want this to be a brick wall of a monologue... not even sure if she can HANDLE a brick wall of a monologue.]}

I was... really little. I didn't have many friends. We were poor and weird and people didn't like us much. I had one friend. A little younger than me. We were together a lot. After school, you know...

_{[A pause because man, she's ALREADY encountering difficulty finding the words. How do you describe growing up in a cult? Growing up in Silent Hill? Being Alessa?]}

But, uh...

Humans sometimes... families are great. When a human has a kid, most of them wanna... you know, protect them and make them happy and watch them grow up.

But some parents don't.

Sometimes people have a kid and ... do things to them.

They do really, really bad things to them.

... your father changed your name to protect you from these others? That about right?

[He's trying to guess at the story, in case that would... help something.]

And yeah. I know of some things your kind will do to its own.

[The internet was a good teacher, in that respect. Not that he sounds happy about it. Far from it.]

[He's always had a very soft spot for kids. Of any species.]

Yeah.

_{[Another short answer. Because that's basically it.]

[And to be honest, she's a little relieved he already knows about the existence of child abuse. Because that, quite frankly, is not something she was looking forward to explaining. She takes a breath and continues.]}

My friend's father was... he hurt her, so much, and god, she was so fuckin' tiny and sweet, and he'd just... wail on her.

I just ... wanted to keep her safe.

I kept on promising her things would get better.

_{[All those joint praying sessions, the crayon drawings of sunny fields and flowers and animals surrounding them... The knowledge that she'd been meant for something special that Mommy had said would make things happy for all the children.]}

She was so little and she already had to deal with her... monster of a parent, and I didn't wanna scare her, so...

I never told her what mine was doing to me.

I see.

[Silence.]

[Not because she's said something wrong. Not because he's having a hard time following.]

[If he speaks now, he is going to shout. He is going to lose his temper -- his control over his anger. Which would be entirely counter-productive to this whole thing.]

[Children, innocents... should not be harmed. It goes against his most basic programming. One of the largest reasons he had defected to begin with.]

Still here, kid.

Listening.

[His voice is tight, heavily controlled.]

_{[At his dead silence, she does pause, briefly. It's not that she thinks he'd still be pissed at her, not when she's talking about THIS, but not even she can get rid of that stupid, irrational, instinctive fear of disapproval. It's all too easy to slip back into her long-ago childhood self's shoes when she talks about this, so it's a relief to hear him speak up, even if she can hear the tension in that voice.]}

'right.

I, uh... I thought it'd get better. Thought if I was... _{[A good girl.]} ... I thought I could make it better.

_{[In many ways, Alessa had been more mature at age seven than Heather feels now, in a reborn body, more than two decades later. Steadfastly weathering the storm and trying to stay strong for Claudia, who had been even smaller than she. ... But seven years old was seven fuckin' years old and Alessa had been as naiive and desperate to please her beloved (and yes, she had loved Dahlia) mother as any other lonely child.]}

... And then one day, it got so bad that... that...

_{[There's a rustle, because the only thing she can really do at the end of that sentence is rake her hand through her hair and hope that it somehow stimulates the right words. It doesn't.]}

... It was awhile before Dad got me out of there.

[Mostly, he's not sure what to say that wouldn't end in shouting. Not at her, but in general. Shouting... just won't solve anything, he knows.]

But you did get out. Your father was there.

[He's really not good at this comfort or Deep Personal Issue thing. But he's trying.]

[He's trying hard -- to keep the anger out of his voice, to keep his tone level and as as supportive as possible.]

_{[Her response is a weak-- very weak-- chuckle. Because... well, yes. She had. Seven years of hell had been endured first, but she had. But in the end, that's not really the important part. The important part is who didn't get out.]}

... That woman... she was a monster.

It didn't matter who you were. Good or bad, she'd use you till you couldn't be used anymore and then she'd find some new way to get her money's worth out of you, all while turning her sights onto everyone around you. Everyone.

By the time she was through with a person, they'd be twisted into pretzels and not even knowing what to think. Maybe even thinking she was the one in the right, and if she couldn't do that, well, those people tended to disappear. Hell, she even did it to Dad. Had everyone tied in knots around her fingers. ... Had me that way, too, till I realized the truth. _{[Until she'd thrown in her aces and left Alessa a broken mess in a basement until she could be useful again. Until she'd MADE Alessa that way.]

I thought if I could just make her happy, she'd...

[... But no, that's not the point of this. Heather heaves a sigh.]}

But yeah. Dad got me out. And it was good. A fresh start. Y'know?

... Forgot all about what had happened back there for awhile, even.

[This is... making his spark ache. Maybe they haven't known one another as long as he's known some -- as long as she's known some -- but All Spark, he sees so much of his own charge in her.]

[The protective drive is just as strong. And he would like nothing more than to pick the girl up, and empty the chamber of the Heavy Iron into anyone who would wrong her.]

[But that isn't feasible.]

[That isn't helpful.]

[Which leaves the old soldier at a loss for what to do with himself, and for her. He can listen, and that's about it. But he's never been good with what he deems to be 'inaction'.]

[He passes a hand over his face.]

Father is a good man. One of those Prime would have respected.

[A beat.]

More to it though, hmn?

_{[It's okay, Ironhide. Because right now, Heather's at almost as much of a loss as you are.]

[Killing Claudia hadn't worked. Now she doesn't know what to do.]

[She nods, forgetting for a moment that she's not on video.]

[Always more to it.]}

When I say I forgot, I really mean it. Literally forgot. For years.

Dunno how it works for ... you guys, but when humans go through something really bad... sometimes they just blur it all out. To keep themselves safe, you know. The memories just... go away, into some place in the back of their head where they don't have to think about 'em, and sometimes it's so deep that they just...

Well.

I didn't remember.

I'd just pushed it all away so that I could pretend none of it ever happened, and I guess I was real good at pretending...

_{[There was also the fact that she'd LITERALLY been in a new body, but well, it's the same principal.]}

... And... and then she found me.

We... do not have that capability.

[Which makes for a lot of fun memories roaming around in their processors. Every sight of the war-torn planet, every casualty, every atrocity Megatron ever committed... all of it stays.]

[No matter how much they might want otherwise.]

Your kind is lucky, that way, kid.

[Silence.]

Before you came here?

Yeah... lucky.

_{[It's true. It's an invaluable coping mechanism, and it's maybe one of the reasons that humankind is so incredibly resilient. But all the same... maybe if she hadn't forgotten, she wouldn't have let her guard so far down. Maybe she'd have been more grateful to her father, knowing the truth that she'd been ignorant to for so long. Maybe he wouldn't have died that night.]}

A year.

Everything caught up with me a year before I came here.

Never know how lucky you are, until you no longer have the ability.

[He's not... really trying to lecture her. Just make a comment. Because, really, it goes both ways. Not a day goes by he doesn't miss his old size, his strength, or even the familiar creak of his frame.]

[He grunts.]

And that was when it happened...?

[He doesn't want to say, "OH HEY WAS THAT WHEN YOUR DAD DIED?" Ironhide has that much tact, at least.]

_{[She doesn't respond to that. She knows it's true, but it's still the reason that her father is dead back home.]

[Instead she goes on.]}

The last time I spoke to him was on a payphone.

When I got home, he was sitting in his favorite chair with his chest cleaved open.

Kid...

[What can he even say to that? Is there anything?]

[He falls silent. She can't see it, but... he bows his head, hands scrubbing over his face. Hearing this -- it calls to mind the uncertainties of his own. When had he spoken to Sideswipe last? Really spoken. Not tossed words over a battlefield.]

[He won't say "I'm sorry". It's too trite. Too cliche.]

... take a break if you need it, kid.

[And he'll pretend the words don't come out rougher than usual.]

Edited 2012-08-25 06:20 (UTC)

_{[She's actually done a remarkably good job of keeping her voice and tone level throughout this whole thing. Volume, too. Normally she's one of those people who gets louder and louder the more upset she becomes. But aside from the occasional shakiness, she'd largely been speaking in a low monotone.]

[... But her voice finally cracks a little bit at his suggestion.]}

... I...

... Yeah, I...

_{[There's a muffled, indistinct noise. Little can be told about it except for the fact that it came from her throat, and it wasn't a word.]}

... C'n I call you back later?

Yeah, kid.

Take your time.

[Ironhide has spent a lifetime shouting orders, threats, and insults on a battlefield. And yet, now, his voice is surprisingly gentle.]

I will answer.

_{[It's a couple hours before she does, but she does.]}

Hey.

_{[Her voice is a little congested and nasal-sounding this time.]}

Sorry 'bout that...

[True to his word, he's there. Granted, he went outside and punched a few trees, but he's there.]

Hey.

Sound like the last time Lennox got a bunch of dirt up his nose.

[Har har you're hilarious, Ironhide.]

_{[Despite herself, she laughs a little. It's more of a snerk than anything else, but at least she can still do it. She figures that's the best sign of all that she can get through things-- the fact that laughter is still even a remote possibility.]}

Yeah, y'know... allergies.

_{[They both know that's not what it is. She clears her throat with a congested cough and sounds a little more solemn the next time she speaks.]}

So... uh, where was I?

Edited 2012-08-27 22:56 (UTC)

Yeah. Allergies. Heard those are rough.

[He's going to go along with it, regardless. There's no reason to poke and prod at it.]

[He even... tries to say the next part gently. It's not easy, because this isn't an easy subject, and this is Ironhide we're talking about. But he tries.]

...

Your father.

Right.

_{[She takes a deep breath, setting the 'Gear in her lap briefly so that she can drag her hands down her face.]}

Right.

So...

... Basically what... what happened was ever since Dad rescued me, they... one person had been looking for me. To finish what... what my-- ... what she'd been using me for.

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