foolishwren | 97. [Action for Goldenrod/Private Text]

97. [Action for Goldenrod/Private Text]

[Locked to Ironhide, Minnie Mouse, Otacon, and Dale Cooper]

I don't know if it'll fix anything at this point, because I said some pretty horrendous things to all of you, but for what it's worth, I'm sorry.

I'll understand if you're still mad. None of you need to reply to this.

[Action for Goldenrod]

_{[It's probably not surprising that there's been radio silence from Heather on the 'Gear for awhile, considering... well, everything. Even if she hadn't had her 'Gear confiscated as part of the 'grounding', she hadn't exactly been in a chatty mood.]

[But even if she's bound to the city, she's not bound to the hotel room, and considering that she's sort of in the doghouse at the moment, she's not too interested in staying cooped up with the people who are rightfully upset with her.]

[So she can be found wandering the streets of Goldenrod City with Cujo padding along at her side, window-shopping or occasionally lounging on a bench-- minus the firepowers that blew the metaphorical Diglett-hole into a volcanic mountain a few weeks ago, but unfortunately still with the unattractive aftereffects of the whole ordeal: smoky black hair, patches of scorched-looking skin, and a permanent burnt-toast smell following her around.]}

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_{[It's okay, Ironhide. Because right now, Heather's at almost as much of a loss as you are.]

[Killing Claudia hadn't worked. Now she doesn't know what to do.]

[She nods, forgetting for a moment that she's not on video.]

[Always more to it.]}

When I say I forgot, I really mean it. Literally forgot. For years.

Dunno how it works for ... you guys, but when humans go through something really bad... sometimes they just blur it all out. To keep themselves safe, you know. The memories just... go away, into some place in the back of their head where they don't have to think about 'em, and sometimes it's so deep that they just...

Well.

I didn't remember.

I'd just pushed it all away so that I could pretend none of it ever happened, and I guess I was real good at pretending...

_{[There was also the fact that she'd LITERALLY been in a new body, but well, it's the same principal.]}

... And... and then she found me.

We... do not have that capability.

[Which makes for a lot of fun memories roaming around in their processors. Every sight of the war-torn planet, every casualty, every atrocity Megatron ever committed... all of it stays.]

[No matter how much they might want otherwise.]

Your kind is lucky, that way, kid.

[Silence.]

Before you came here?

Yeah... lucky.

_{[It's true. It's an invaluable coping mechanism, and it's maybe one of the reasons that humankind is so incredibly resilient. But all the same... maybe if she hadn't forgotten, she wouldn't have let her guard so far down. Maybe she'd have been more grateful to her father, knowing the truth that she'd been ignorant to for so long. Maybe he wouldn't have died that night.]}

A year.

Everything caught up with me a year before I came here.

Never know how lucky you are, until you no longer have the ability.

[He's not... really trying to lecture her. Just make a comment. Because, really, it goes both ways. Not a day goes by he doesn't miss his old size, his strength, or even the familiar creak of his frame.]

[He grunts.]

And that was when it happened...?

[He doesn't want to say, "OH HEY WAS THAT WHEN YOUR DAD DIED?" Ironhide has that much tact, at least.]

_{[She doesn't respond to that. She knows it's true, but it's still the reason that her father is dead back home.]

[Instead she goes on.]}

The last time I spoke to him was on a payphone.

When I got home, he was sitting in his favorite chair with his chest cleaved open.

Kid...

[What can he even say to that? Is there anything?]

[He falls silent. She can't see it, but... he bows his head, hands scrubbing over his face. Hearing this -- it calls to mind the uncertainties of his own. When had he spoken to Sideswipe last? Really spoken. Not tossed words over a battlefield.]

[He won't say "I'm sorry". It's too trite. Too cliche.]

... take a break if you need it, kid.

[And he'll pretend the words don't come out rougher than usual.]

Edited 2012-08-25 06:20 (UTC)

_{[She's actually done a remarkably good job of keeping her voice and tone level throughout this whole thing. Volume, too. Normally she's one of those people who gets louder and louder the more upset she becomes. But aside from the occasional shakiness, she'd largely been speaking in a low monotone.]

[... But her voice finally cracks a little bit at his suggestion.]}

... I...

... Yeah, I...

_{[There's a muffled, indistinct noise. Little can be told about it except for the fact that it came from her throat, and it wasn't a word.]}

... C'n I call you back later?

Yeah, kid.

Take your time.

[Ironhide has spent a lifetime shouting orders, threats, and insults on a battlefield. And yet, now, his voice is surprisingly gentle.]

I will answer.

_{[It's a couple hours before she does, but she does.]}

Hey.

_{[Her voice is a little congested and nasal-sounding this time.]}

Sorry 'bout that...

[True to his word, he's there. Granted, he went outside and punched a few trees, but he's there.]

Hey.

Sound like the last time Lennox got a bunch of dirt up his nose.

[Har har you're hilarious, Ironhide.]

_{[Despite herself, she laughs a little. It's more of a snerk than anything else, but at least she can still do it. She figures that's the best sign of all that she can get through things-- the fact that laughter is still even a remote possibility.]}

Yeah, y'know... allergies.

_{[They both know that's not what it is. She clears her throat with a congested cough and sounds a little more solemn the next time she speaks.]}

So... uh, where was I?

Edited 2012-08-27 22:56 (UTC)

Yeah. Allergies. Heard those are rough.

[He's going to go along with it, regardless. There's no reason to poke and prod at it.]

[He even... tries to say the next part gently. It's not easy, because this isn't an easy subject, and this is Ironhide we're talking about. But he tries.]

...

Your father.

Right.

_{[She takes a deep breath, setting the 'Gear in her lap briefly so that she can drag her hands down her face.]}

Right.

So...

... Basically what... what happened was ever since Dad rescued me, they... one person had been looking for me. To finish what... what my-- ... what she'd been using me for.

[He goes quiet, attempting to put the pieces together, for her sake. That way, she won't have to speak as much, right?]

...

And they found you, then?

She found me.

_{[Heather you're not talking about your mother anymore you need to actually mention who THIS 'she' is.]}

Who is 'she'?

Claudia.

... My friend.

...

The one you were going to take care of.

Yeah.

... The one I didn't. The one I FORGOT the moment I'd gotten out.

The whole time I was obliviously growing up miles away in a good home with a good dad, she was...

Kid, if you forgot... for the reasons you forgot... then you cannot blame yourself.

Not right to.

I know!

I know.

I... I don't. Not... not like that. I just...

There was nothing I could do.

While I was-- before Dad ever even-- I was locked up and-- and incapacitated and the whole fucking time SHE was going after her, filling her head with POISON and just--

She was so little, she didn't even stand a fucking CHANCE and because I never TOLD her before it was too late, that monster just-- had her way with her and I COULDN'T DO A GODDAMN THING!

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT WAS HAPPENING!

_{[... Well, so much for that calm, detached tone. Once she hit this subject, it didn't take long for her voice to escalate to a thin roar.]}

Kid.

Breathe.

[He's not going to tell her to calm down. That never solves anything. He doesn't... know what else he can do, what else he can say. Sure, he could just listen, but sitting on the other end of the 'gear, listening while someone he wants nothing more than to protect is shrieking...]

[It's not a good feeling.]

You did not know. You were unable to assist. I know that feeling. And it...

[If he'd known what awaited Optimus -- what would happen to Jolt, to the new recruits. If he had been there...]

You cannot allow it to fester.

Going to tear you apart, kid.

_{[At his command, the volume dropped at least, but breathe she did not. There was a dull thunk, as though she'd let her head rest roughly against the wall.]}

I know, I know, I know I know I know I just--!

I know it wasn't my fault.

I know.

There was no way I could have done anything. I know that. I don't BLAME myself, I just...

_{[There's a pause as she sucks in a ragged breath and an unmistakable pop of knuckles as she clenches a fist.]}

... Years later, when I thought-- I thought I'd made a clean getaway, this... this person who I used to care about shows up, and-- and takes away the only reason I was even ALIVE-- _{[That she had CHOSEN to live...]} And all because of HER, the bitch who hurt me-- the bitch who hurt us BOTH because we were so fucking small we couldn't STOP her-- didn't know to stop her.

That's what I meant when I said you couldn't understand, Ironhide.

You don't-- you can't know what it's like, to be so tiny that someone can do whatever they want to you and you can't do a thing. Because you're seven years old and three and a half feet tall and you don't know anything else so you just LET it happen, you LET them do things to you because you're so scared and so powerless and so SMALL and they're bigger and smarter and you're at their absolute MERCY and all you WANT is to make them HAPPY so that they'll stop--!

[And, once more, he doesn't know what to say about that.]

Kid, I...

[He just stops. Just stops. Is there anything you can say when someone unloads all this on you?]

[He's used to the atrocities of war. The atrocities of domesticity, of civilians... those have him at a loss.]

Sorry.

Don't.

You don't... you don't have anything to apologize for.

_{[She had paused to take in a deep, shuddering breath in some attempt to calm herself (like he'd told her to like three minutes ago) and it worked... somewhat. When she speaks again it's in that dull, monotonous tone from before. A mask for the upset rather than a sign that she's totally calm again, but it's better than all the shouting she was doing before.]}

... I just...

... The fact that even... after I'd gotten away and grown up, even after she'd been dead for years, she still found a way to reach out and hurt me.

Hurt me worse than she ever did back when I was just a scared little kid.

... Like it never stops.

_{[Another pause for breath, along with the fleshy sound of hands being dragged down a face and an audible sniff.]}

... That's why I was so mad. And I didn't... I didn't think about what I was saying to everybody, and I didn't mean t'make you think I was... I dunno. Implying that you were stupid or didn't understand loss or ... or any of that.

I just...

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[voice] sorry oh my god she is basically unloading completely

[voice] ... baby ;o; dfsdkj I'M SORRY THIS IS SHORT HE'S JUST. AWK.

[voice] IT'S OKAY HONESTLY I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL TO SAY TO HER EITHER