foolishwren | 101. [Text] (backdated to the 23rd)

okay listen up you weedles, I was going through a bunch of old photos stored on this thing and found this one I forgot about from like idk a few months ago or maybe a year or something

it's starter appreciation day so it seemed appropriate to just say a few words or something about that ugly orange thing in the picture with me

okay so first of all
i hate dogs
like
i fuckin HATE them, okay. I always have
I also hate FIRE
Fire and dogs are basically like the top two things on my hate list
so when you take that into account, Cujo the Growlithe is essentially an overlapping circle graph of everything i hate



needless to say, when they gave me HIM on top of all the interdimensional kidnapping and shit it basically felt like this:



except he was some kinda huge mutation or something 
so
i mean
really




like seriously let's take a look at this majestic animal



unlike that other picture, nothing in this one is an exaggeration everything you see is the bare naked truth, like speaking of naked i have no idea how he loses so much hair (on me) every single day and yet still looks like the unholy baby of a tiger and a dusty bunny that lives on the cutting-room floor of a Muppet movie

so yea what I'm trying to say is that i was SUPER DUPER THRILLED at being told i was going to have to go on a magical adventure with this thing. like it'd be one thing if he minded his own business and stayed away from me but



what made it even worse is the fact that i am pretty sure this dog has like two fucking brain cells, i don't think dogs are supposed to be like this



anyway i would draw more of the retarded stuff he does but i think you get the general idea. he is basically the stupidest thing on the planet

so it probably goes without saying that for a long time i basically hated him. he was always up in my space and as i said before, i fuckin hate dogs. his hair got all over my clothes. he was heavy and knocked me down and chewed on my shoes and constantly ran away and got me in trouble because he knocked OTHER people down and chewed on THEIR shoes and to top it all off he'd light things on fucking fire



so what you're all probably thinking is, wow, she clearly hates this poor animal, so was that picture at the beginning photoshopped at something

i'm not even actually sure if they have photoshop here but the answer is NO

you see, after a few months of just generally trying to ignore him, some shit happened and i learned something
despite the colossal asshole i'd been, he stuck with me and protected me anyway. like seriously i was pretty much the most gigantic douchenozzle towards him but he was basically too stupid and nice to care, and things like that deserve someone who actually treats them decent

because seriously i probably would have died if it weren't for him

so yeah uh three years later, here we are

love ya, you stupid stinky dog




_.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I am not "sweet".

okay fine














you're sweet+sour.

_[:D]

That is not a thing.

IS TOO haven't you tried sweet+sour pork yet???

...

Tried what now?

it's a food jeez

hey when I next see you I'm taking you out for chinese

or whatever they call it here.


it's good. you'll like it.

[Okay it takes him a second to puzzle out she's talking about Chinese food, and not people.]

What is it?

_{[Yes, Ironhide. She wants you to eat ALL THE CHINESE PEOPLE.]}

it's meat and they cook it in some kinda sauce and it's both sweet and sour at the same time

[Heather, you told him human hair changes color with the leaves, what else do you expect him to think?]

How?

_{[Hey, camouflage isn't even remotely the same as cannibalism, come on!]}

beats me

I'm a vagrant drifting animal trainer, not a chef.

Fine.

But it had best be worth going all the way to Goldenrod.

oh it totally will


I guess goldenrod probably is the best place to go to for it...

... let me say that again.

It had best be worth FLYING all the way to Goldenrod.

Hey, even if it's not, getting to see ME should, right?

Guess we will see.

[Ironhide don't tell jokes, you're bad at it.]

101. [Text] (backdated to the 23rd)

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